Sunday, January 2, 2011

The Sounds of Silence

So December has passed us now and I've taken off my dancing shoes. Truth is, I only learned a few basic dances this past month and we have a long, long way to go before competing. I still have the dvd's with instruction and I hope to make some more time in the weeks to come to learn a few more steps for the road.

But with January upon us, on I must go. I have been thinking a lot about 2011. It is the year of so many changes. My littlest will turn one in a few months. My husband will enter his third year of residency and we will begin to think about jobs and places to live. But it also includes my 33rd birthday, which although many months await, demonstrates that an end to this year of introspection is almost halfway over.

While this doesn't mean that I will ever stop exploring my thoughts, fears and dreams, it may mean that I will go back to the ordinary plans of a working mom and leave the monthly expeditions to summer and winter vacation. So, it is with this look of the year behind and hopes for the year ahead, that I cast my most personal month of achievement for January. To come face to face with one of my deepest fears: being alone.

How can one be alone with a husband, two kids, a job and an extended family? How can one feel alone with so much movement and change all around you? How can one be afraid of being alone when so much business creates an urge for private time and personal reflection? What I'm saying is, how come I'm afraid of being/feeling alone when many times its what I crave most: time to myself?

This month I want to carve out time for me to be alone and to be comfortable with that. Rather than being the one always calling friends to go out or making plans for my family, this month, I want to make a few endeavors for me to do on my own. While I do not have them all picked out yet, I do want to experience going to a movie on my own and going out for a meal on my own. I don't mean a quick slice of pizza either. I mean, I'm ordering a meal, bringing a magazine or people watching by myself surrounded by couples and families just so I can find some comfort in being alone.

I think part of getting married, becoming a mother and working part time, makes one uneasy about being alone. Almost makes me wonder how I existed before I had this part of my life. What is it that I'm afraid of? Am I afraid of silence? Lack of conversation? Taking the driver's seat? Kind of reminds me of those friends, and we've all had them, who are always around and then one day, they meet their mate and thats it. Its goodbye. Almost like they ceased to exist as an individual anymore. I think its lovely that people find so much meaning and connection in others. But if you don't exist for yourself or have your own identity, then what do you bring to the table? How do you continue to work on yourself? Meet your goals? Live your dreams? Don't you lose sight of it all so easily? For me, and for many of those living through residency or some other high intensity profession, I already spend a tremendous amount of time on my own. During night shifts, holidays on call, weekends with two little ones, far from family, alone is something I am a lot. But rather than sink my face into the tv or run to a friend for comfort and support, I want to be finding a way to enjoy some "me" time. So here's to another year and another adventure on the horizon. And for me, some inner peace with the silence that January brings to my month of solitude.

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