A Meal of My Own

So its the end of January and just in the nick of time, I found an afternoon free to go get a lunch all by myself. It happened sort of by accident so I didnt make it to one of the fancy places in town as I had hoped. I had an eye doctor appointment that turned into an insurance change fiasco that left me out and about and no plans for an hour. So off to lunch I went.

It was prime lunch eating time and many business lunches were being had. Since it was school time, there were not many families with small children or couples to be seen. More of the working lunch crowd surrounded me. I ordered and sat with nothing to do. I did have my phone with me so I sat and read the news as I waited for my food to come out. When it did come, I went back to my table in the middle of the restaurant and began to enjoy.

I decided not to sit all the way in the back at a booth since this would be anti-social. I sat right in the middle, amongst the shmoozing crowd and people-watched and caught up on a few magazines. Unlike the movie where folks don't talking during the main event, I found this meal to be less relaxing than I had anticipated. It seemed more about the eating and the food part of the meal rather than the enjoyment of sharing a meal with someone while eating.

Perhaps if I had sat in the back, it would have been a quieter, more relaxing experience. Perhaps if I was at a upscale locale, the food would have been more enticing. But I'll take what I can get. I ate alone, I watched people chatting and working away with their laptops and blackberries and I caught up on some top entertainment stories. Mission accomplished.

I can't say that after a month of actively spending time on my own, I would be thrilled to be a loner everywhere I went but I can say I did enjoy having the freedom to go where I wanted without any accoutrements for a change. At least I don't find being alone quite as lonely as I used to. I kind of enjoyed the empowerment of making the decisions and setting aside time for me. Now a week at a day spa.... that is sounding better every day!

Stay tuned to next month where I volunteer with a professional baker in her studio to learn about the art of baking!

Movie for One

So I did it. I finally went to a movie by myself. Its funny, I thought I had gone to one many years back when I was in my secret PhD program at Maryland that I left almost as quickly as I was accepted. Long story not worth going into here. Either way, I was wrong. I remember picking the film, getting there early but then running into a friend in the lobby and sitting with her through the film. So nope, didnt count.

This week though, I did make it to my own movie. Let me first say that the movie was not that great and about an hour too long. But I chose it and I went alone and that's what counts. The theater was filled, well half-filled on a Thursday night with cuddly couples seeing the chick flick I selected. No surprise there. Seat selection was tough. I was trying to decide whether I should space myself out in the back row alone to prove I didn't need socialization but I copped out and chose a seat in the middle just a few seats from an older couple. Gotta have a good view.

I bet an afternoon matinee would be more of a welcoming movie to see alone. This was a bit frightening for me. Parking in the parking garage, walking alone at night through downtown which was filled with shoppers and diners was totally fine. It was the post-movie walk back, alone and in the dark, that sort of spooked me. The movie itself was fine. I chose a movie I wanted to see without having to trade my husband for a sci-fi action packed, men toting guns movie in the coming months. Win. I enjoyed the time to myself without needing to talk to anyone or stay for the credits at the end. Although I did miss having the almost mandatory discussion during the coming attractions of whether any of the upcoming films looked good enough to see.

All in all, it was a fun time to myself. A bit lonely and scary wandering the streets at night, but a bit empowering too. Time to myself is hard to come by these days and I am happy to have this month to force myself to get out there and try to get comfortable with the quiet or at least the alone time. Its nice to have alone time that is chosen and planned for, not handed out by default. I say this amidst a tough month and an especially hard week where I get to see my husband awake and interactive between the hours of 5 and 7pm. Thats it. Let me tell you, it rocks. Ok, not really.

The whole concept of someone "choosing" to be by themselves always sort of confused me. I mean I'm social so why would I chose to be alone when I could be with a family member or friend? I guess its sort of like the mindset of people who refuse to be single. But I remember now what it was like in high school, college, grad school, etc. choosing my own path, my own schedule, my own gambles. Sometimes I wear the mom hat or the wife hat so long that I forget that I don't cover my hair anymore. Ok Jewish joke out of the way. No but seriously, its great to get down to my roots, redirect the train every once in awhile besides the late night tv watching, snack eating schedule that has become my nights alone.

So here we are folks and where are we? Still in the middle of this adventure. Next up will be a meal out on my own and who knows what else I will discover when I give myself the time and space to think. I kind of like knowing that I have this time to explore my deepest thoughts or to tune out completely to things around me and just float through the experience. Sometimes things are over-thought, over-planned, over-anticipated and its nice to just be. Yeah that's what its about. Just being in the moment as you are. How many chances do we really have to do that? I, for one, am ready to find out.

Losing Steam

So I am about five months in to my year long project and I think I've hit the winter slump. I started off this adventure all bright eyed and bushy tailed, excited to climb some trees and arrange some flowers. And while I thought this project would bring a lot of life to my challenging emotions of a year, I didn't realize how much work it would be. Not just to identify goals and obstacles to overcome, but to find places to volunteer and carve out time in my already chaotic schedule to make the time.

I work part time, care for my kids and try to spend as much time with my husband that his schedule allows. That being said, I find that the only times I can squeeze in time for my projects are either very late night when the hubby is home and thus I am spending time away from him that could be a "date night" or during my workable hours when my responsibilities are on the lighter side. Time I should be seeking additional professional tasks and pushing my professional opportunities to the extreme, as well as bringing in my much needed financial contributions to our dual family income.

So here I am, trying to find alone time when I can actually go out, without taking time from family/spouse time and work time. Isn't this everyone's challenge or is this just a working mom thing? I would sometimes rather just take a hot bath and get into bed early but that's not at all what this year is about.

So I have to collect my thoughts, plan my calendar like a madwoman and make time to fit this all in. In addition, I need to identify some additional projects to fill up the months to come. I have a few ideas (whitewater rafting and public speaking) but I need more ideas. Some of these may come about as I am working through one month but I welcome your ideas and suggestions or connections for a place to volunteer. I would love to learn how to professionally bake or cook, perhaps work at a battered woman's shelter or serve food at a food bank. I also have this strong desire to visit New Zealand and Australia... how I'm going to fit that in with two kids under the age of three is beyond me but perhaps there is a local club of Kiwis I can meet with and learn about their culture (and secretly start planning a trip)....

Those are my thoughts for a windy winter Thursday. Ebbs and tides are normal in a long project like this but I need a rejuvenation to see I am almost halfway through and yet still have a long way to go.

The Sounds of Silence

So December has passed us now and I've taken off my dancing shoes. Truth is, I only learned a few basic dances this past month and we have a long, long way to go before competing. I still have the dvd's with instruction and I hope to make some more time in the weeks to come to learn a few more steps for the road.

But with January upon us, on I must go. I have been thinking a lot about 2011. It is the year of so many changes. My littlest will turn one in a few months. My husband will enter his third year of residency and we will begin to think about jobs and places to live. But it also includes my 33rd birthday, which although many months await, demonstrates that an end to this year of introspection is almost halfway over.

While this doesn't mean that I will ever stop exploring my thoughts, fears and dreams, it may mean that I will go back to the ordinary plans of a working mom and leave the monthly expeditions to summer and winter vacation. So, it is with this look of the year behind and hopes for the year ahead, that I cast my most personal month of achievement for January. To come face to face with one of my deepest fears: being alone.

How can one be alone with a husband, two kids, a job and an extended family? How can one feel alone with so much movement and change all around you? How can one be afraid of being alone when so much business creates an urge for private time and personal reflection? What I'm saying is, how come I'm afraid of being/feeling alone when many times its what I crave most: time to myself?

This month I want to carve out time for me to be alone and to be comfortable with that. Rather than being the one always calling friends to go out or making plans for my family, this month, I want to make a few endeavors for me to do on my own. While I do not have them all picked out yet, I do want to experience going to a movie on my own and going out for a meal on my own. I don't mean a quick slice of pizza either. I mean, I'm ordering a meal, bringing a magazine or people watching by myself surrounded by couples and families just so I can find some comfort in being alone.

I think part of getting married, becoming a mother and working part time, makes one uneasy about being alone. Almost makes me wonder how I existed before I had this part of my life. What is it that I'm afraid of? Am I afraid of silence? Lack of conversation? Taking the driver's seat? Kind of reminds me of those friends, and we've all had them, who are always around and then one day, they meet their mate and thats it. Its goodbye. Almost like they ceased to exist as an individual anymore. I think its lovely that people find so much meaning and connection in others. But if you don't exist for yourself or have your own identity, then what do you bring to the table? How do you continue to work on yourself? Meet your goals? Live your dreams? Don't you lose sight of it all so easily? For me, and for many of those living through residency or some other high intensity profession, I already spend a tremendous amount of time on my own. During night shifts, holidays on call, weekends with two little ones, far from family, alone is something I am a lot. But rather than sink my face into the tv or run to a friend for comfort and support, I want to be finding a way to enjoy some "me" time. So here's to another year and another adventure on the horizon. And for me, some inner peace with the silence that January brings to my month of solitude.

Never Prepared to Lose Your Mom

To deviate from last week's dancing post, I wanted to take a moment tonight to bring things back to home base. Where this all started. I lost my mom as an infant. My dear friend lost her mom tonight as a grown up, a mother to her own child. Some might say when you're older, you're better prepared to cope with such a loss. Some might say I was luckier to not have had to deal with her illness and death.

At the end of the day, I've come to realize a few things. You can never be fully prepared to lose your mom. Those of you who are moms know what it means to carry a baby inside, literally give life to a child and raise it day to day. There is something so unique and so all-encompassing about being a mom that I guess I didn't fully understand what I had lost until I found myself fulfilling that very role. Only then, did I begin to comprehend how great was my loss.

Is it better to be there for the diagnosis, watch someone go through treatment and eventually be taken by their illness or is it better to have a fast, unexpected diagnosis with a shortened time to live? I am sure people have their opinions. But, not everything in life is or has to be a competition. Either way you slice it, losing your mom is not an easy thing and certainly not something one can prepare for. Not physically and not mentally.

So forgive me for taking this space tonight to share these thoughts as a side note to my gallivanting with ballroom dance. I feel sad for my dear friend. For her pain. For her loss. For the irreplaceable bond that cannot be taken away. Makes me want to hug her and let her know she will get through this terrible time somehow. But until then, my heart and my soul goes out to her. It's a club I'd rather her not join, certainly later rather than sooner. But now we too share a bond. Another motherless daughter joins the team as we walk down this path in life together. May your mom's memory be for a blessing.

One, Two, Cha, Cha Cha

So its December and the dancing shoes are going on. I haven't posted in a two weeks as I have been frantically trying to locate a dance class that works for our schedule. I did find a few dance studios in the area and even an open ballroom that offers drop in group lessons for an hour and then a dance party with a band where you can work on your new steps. Problem is the hours and days haven't worked for our schedule. Either the main dance lessons were on Friday night which doesn't work because of the Jewish holiday of Shabbat or they take place during dinner or the kids bedtime. We do get the occasional sitter but I'm not so fond of having other people give my kids a bath or put them to sleep. Once they are asleep, no problem... as long as it is someone my daughter knows and likes... otherwise, chaos ensues. I guess its sort of a mother's guilt. The older one is in pre-school everyday and the baby already has a nanny three days of week. I sort of feel like I owe it to them to do the bedtime routine and tuck them in at night and also, its my favorite time of day to get them in their pjs and sing them to sleep.

Anyway, so besides that excitement, I also have my husband's schedule to work around. Residency is like a ropes course. You get through one flying trapeze of a week and think you are home free when the next schedule pops up and includes overnight call, long call, short call and 15 days in a row before having a day off. This week was actually a family-friendly schedule and still no classes to be found on a random Monday/Thursday night after bedtime hours.

So, rather than succumbing to the possibility of failure for my fourth month into this year-long challenge, I did what any dedicated dancer hungry for instruction would do.... I went to the library. Yup. That's right. They make intro to ballroom dvd's and we put the kids to bed, moved the living room furniture and started the tape. I got three versions as I didn't know which ones would be scratched, boring or too advanced. We found a beginners version for couples so it shows you how to stand and then goes through the movements for each person.

With one click on the dvd player, we were off. We learned the basic frame, hand and foot placements and counting techniques. Then we selected our first dance, The Cha Cha. I wouldn't say its a hard dance to learn. But with left turns and right turns and side to side steps, we did have to practice quite a bit. The best part of it all was I got to dance with my hubby. Rather than some dance class where I would be forced to dance with random other men, I was able to learn and practice with the same person. We had fun, stepped on each others feet a ton, and worked it out until we had it down. We didn't even have to put on shoes. I'm sure the steps are more precise with fancy shoes and dress up gear, but it was so much fun barefoot and in pajamas dancing the cha cha in my living room. With once dance down and a ton more to go, we are one step closer to fulfilling my childhood dream of becoming a dancer on Solid Gold!

A Word Of Thanks

During my previous visit to the florist, the owners mentioned I should come back during the busy holiday season to witness flower making in all its glory. Today was the day. I went in the morning to see the role Thanksgiving plays in the floral industry. These folks were on their feet making arranagements since seven this morning. Most of the orders were friends and families sending centerpieces to their hosts or relatives far away. Beautiful arrangements of orange and red filled the room.

I was hoping I might be able to help out this time around, actually put some flowers together. I know the floral arrangement process requires a lot of knowledge not just of flowers that go together but which vase and fillers go with what. Also, how you cut the flowers and determine which flowers are good enough matters. Some people order arrangements that specify how many roses, daisies, greens while others are just called "Autumn Splendor" and the decoration is left to the discretion of the florist. After watching folks running back and forth fulfilling orders practically bumping into one another and the sight of leftover flower stems piling high on the ground, I realized a better way to help out. I grabbed a broom and began sweeping the broken and discarded greens into large piles away from the design tables and moved them to the trash bins circling the room. People may have been too busy today to teach me how to cut a stem or train me to properly insert it into a vase for fun. So I decided it was time for me to push up my sleeves and offer assistance.

While I was sweeping the floor, I came up with a great idea. You know how they have those "make your own pizza" parties where you pay to bring a group into a restaurant and your group can assist with adding toppings or flipping the dough? They also have "paint your own pottery" parties, "frame your own picture" places and do-it-yourself cooking classes. Why don't they offer floral arrangement classes? Why not open up these closed flower shops on Sunday or one night a week and offer instructions on how to design your own floral arrangements? I am sure art schools and maybe even some local community programs offer flower classes but there is something special about being in the workspace of a florist with coolers of colors, tables and vases all around. Being in that environment makes me feel alive even if I can't design or cut the buds.

Next week I'm invited back for wreath making and even though I have never had a wreath hanging in my house, there is something enticing about learning how to make this central part of the holiday season. With all my cooking of stuffing and pumpkin pie, something was missing this holiday. When I walked into the shop and saw all the beautiful bouquets of people saying thank you to their loved ones, I was warmed and ever more ready to celebrate with my family and be thankful for all I have. I feel lucky to have this year to explore my dreams and overcome my fears. Lucky for a family that supports my project and for a job that is as flexible. I truly am blessed to be in this year of exploration and adventure. And most importantly, I feel lucky that my mother (may her memory be for a blessing) brought me into this wonderful world and inspired me to take on this project.

And with that, I will see you all in December for another monthly project in the making. This time its ballroom dance and its serious. Do you watch "Dancing with the Stars?" Well stay tuned for Dancing with the Resident. Let me end by saying "Gobble Gobble" to us all.